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| The cape just looks good |
Trying to escape the little slice of hell that my day to day has been resembling lately, I decided to immerse myself in some Michael Jackson. Weird for me on all counts because I’m informed from credible sources that I’m not the biggest fan. Nonetheless, I put his discography on my music player, plugged in the earpieces and cranked up the volume.
But my escape was only fleeting: a few minutes into the stirring beats and these haunting lyrics were thrown at me like a splash of cold water or a slap across my face. And they've been playing in a loop in my head ever since…
I’m not one to look for deep meaning where there is none. I don’t read horoscopes (unless it’s on my birthday) I don’t interpret dreams (unless they have a matrix feel to it) and I do not look for profound messages in music. But this was different
For the longest time I've been overwhelmed with feelings of disappointment and discouraged because I'm not performing as I expect myself to be. I got new assignments and responsibilities conferred on me, which were greatly welcomed because this additional role means growth and vitality.
And if you happen to know me, you’ll know that above all else I like to be known for a job not just well done but perfectly executed. I do not drop the ball. I do not like mistakes in others (and yes, I’m working on changing that) but above all else, I do not like mistakes from myself!
But my waking hours have been a thing of nightmares. My superwoman veneer is slipping. My once organized system is in shambles in my office; a once treasured to-do list lies forgotten and dog-eared under a stack of an ever-growing heap of reports in my in-tray: my trusted organizer long abandoned and misplaced; my desk and tote diaries last used a month ago.
I’m an utter mess. What’s happened to me?!
Like I said - a difficult year
I wonder, have you ever experienced a similar sensation?
As I nervously bite my lip, I suspect this is what drowning must feel like. Being acutely aware that you should stop gulping in water but being unable to stop it. And then the sickening feeling as the very life drains out of your body. Dry drowning – that’s what this is!
So while I was trying to escape into a more melodious and harmonic place, those MJ lyrics brought me hurtling back to the ground and with a resounding crash and no small mess on my heap of papers, I landed back and I was left with nothing but this naked cold truth.
I’m only human.
We've been bombarded with ideas from our mentors, peers, internet and magazine articles that we have to do more, do it better and do it efficiently. Amazon is choke-full of books on how to be a success at work, a regular superwoman, how to be so organized that you have a 4 Hour Work Week (I still do not understand how that is possible!). All these ideas on how to increase your efficiency and output until it seems you must be a colossal disappointment if you cannot do it all.
We are no longer just in competition with others (ref. musing no. 2), we are in competition with ourselves!
And that is the worst kind of completion if left unchecked; because in that arena, failure is not even a notion to be floated let alone an option to be entertained. Admitting that you may not be able to do it all is a sure sign of weakness. You cannot fail. You must keep at it even when you are drowning. And don’t let it show (walk when you are not able) and most importantly YOU MUST FIGHT TO THE END! A noble idea in some pursuits but suicidal in most.
You are not human anymore, you are far better than that. You are a product of the 21st century and here you are always up to the task. If not, you will have to fake perfection until you attain it.
But the faking can only last so long; you can pretend that you have all of it under control, that you can do it all by yourself until it all comes crashing down, you have a meltdown or burnout or until a Michael Jackson song reminds you that you are no superwoman.
Then you realize that it’s okay to admit that maybe you can’t do it all right now.
But my escape was only fleeting: a few minutes into the stirring beats and these haunting lyrics were thrown at me like a splash of cold water or a slap across my face. And they've been playing in a loop in my head ever since…
“But they told me a man should be faithful…
And walk when not able…And fight til the end…
But I’m only human…”
I’m not one to look for deep meaning where there is none. I don’t read horoscopes (unless it’s on my birthday) I don’t interpret dreams (unless they have a matrix feel to it) and I do not look for profound messages in music. But this was different
For the longest time I've been overwhelmed with feelings of disappointment and discouraged because I'm not performing as I expect myself to be. I got new assignments and responsibilities conferred on me, which were greatly welcomed because this additional role means growth and vitality.
And if you happen to know me, you’ll know that above all else I like to be known for a job not just well done but perfectly executed. I do not drop the ball. I do not like mistakes in others (and yes, I’m working on changing that) but above all else, I do not like mistakes from myself!
But my waking hours have been a thing of nightmares. My superwoman veneer is slipping. My once organized system is in shambles in my office; a once treasured to-do list lies forgotten and dog-eared under a stack of an ever-growing heap of reports in my in-tray: my trusted organizer long abandoned and misplaced; my desk and tote diaries last used a month ago.
I’m an utter mess. What’s happened to me?!
Like I said - a difficult year
I wonder, have you ever experienced a similar sensation?
As I nervously bite my lip, I suspect this is what drowning must feel like. Being acutely aware that you should stop gulping in water but being unable to stop it. And then the sickening feeling as the very life drains out of your body. Dry drowning – that’s what this is!
So while I was trying to escape into a more melodious and harmonic place, those MJ lyrics brought me hurtling back to the ground and with a resounding crash and no small mess on my heap of papers, I landed back and I was left with nothing but this naked cold truth.
I’m only human.
We've been bombarded with ideas from our mentors, peers, internet and magazine articles that we have to do more, do it better and do it efficiently. Amazon is choke-full of books on how to be a success at work, a regular superwoman, how to be so organized that you have a 4 Hour Work Week (I still do not understand how that is possible!). All these ideas on how to increase your efficiency and output until it seems you must be a colossal disappointment if you cannot do it all.
We are no longer just in competition with others (ref. musing no. 2), we are in competition with ourselves!
And that is the worst kind of completion if left unchecked; because in that arena, failure is not even a notion to be floated let alone an option to be entertained. Admitting that you may not be able to do it all is a sure sign of weakness. You cannot fail. You must keep at it even when you are drowning. And don’t let it show (walk when you are not able) and most importantly YOU MUST FIGHT TO THE END! A noble idea in some pursuits but suicidal in most.
You are not human anymore, you are far better than that. You are a product of the 21st century and here you are always up to the task. If not, you will have to fake perfection until you attain it.
But the faking can only last so long; you can pretend that you have all of it under control, that you can do it all by yourself until it all comes crashing down, you have a meltdown or burnout or until a Michael Jackson song reminds you that you are no superwoman.
Then you realize that it’s okay to admit that maybe you can’t do it all right now.
That maybe you should be cut some slack, that maybe someone else can take care of some of the things.
And that it’s okay if you have to say, “No, I really can’t finish that report you want by Friday!!!!!!”
Are you walking when not able?
And that it’s okay if you have to say, “No, I really can’t finish that report you want by Friday!!!!!!”
Are you walking when not able?
