Musing No.13

"And you tried to change, didn't you? Closed your mouth more. Tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake...You are terrifying, and strange,and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love." Warsan Shire

One month ago I had my hair bleached blonde. 

There was no significant amount of introspection, no great pondering that took place before I made the decision. What I did have was a strong desire, capacity and access to a darn good hair colorist. There were also plenty of photos on my Pinterest board as I needed a way to narrow down the selection on the shade and method of application.

I did it because it was something I wanted to do and it would give me pleasure. And much like my last musing on vulnerability, I’ve become a proponent for taking pleasure where it’s to be had.

But I will also admit that as I walked into the salon that Saturday morning, a part of me was also relishing the idea that I would be seen differently. As a woman who was so bold and self-assured that she could adorn herself with such a brazen pop of color and pull it off without batting an eye. I like that woman. I want to be friends with that woman. But the first time I caught a glimpse of her, she had a look of horror in her eyes as the last of the foils were removed to reveal platinum white hair tips. 

Now, no one told me that changing hair color could evoke such fear. None of the pins on the aforementioned board had been on how to process your face when your crown changes shade.  My belly turned to water and it took every ounce of my self-restraint not to cry out. What had I done?!

By the time the bleach had been rinsed out and I was put under the hairdryer, I was already making a list of ways to downplay the change. What would people I work with think? How could I make it less obvious and uncomfortable? My hair wasn't even dry yet, and already I was worried I would be seen as offensive...and you know, that's how we are with other aspects of ourselves too. We are, do or become something that we strongly desire, but when we see that others could be frightened by what that is, or that we are getting judged for it, we look for a way to be less. 

Less talkative, less opinionated, less sensitive, less passionate, less happy, less demanding, less volatile, less awake! 

We look for what will make other people more comfortable. Ways to be more docile with our partner or at work, more cooperative with our family even when they ask more than they should, more forgiving and loving even with an unfaithful friend or deceptive partner, more feminine so that the men in our lives can feel man enough. (side note - take a moment to read "Dear Woman by Michael Reid". You will not regret it!)

Well, tough luck! This girl is done with being afraid or cautious. I'm embracing my brazenness. I'm letting my bold, blonde flag fly high. So, as I sit in the styling chair for the final time almost 5 hours since the process began, I can't help but crack a smile as the stylist works his fingers through my new ombre blonde strands. I like this Damaris! The one who did something she wanted and I'll let others figure out how to handle it on their own.

I'm also heartened that I can find freshness in something that feels like it's a given. You have black hair, that's all it can be. Well, no sir, that's not true. It may be difficult, time consuming and a little frightening at first but there's no limit to what can be done if it's what you want.

Are there times that old fears creeps back in? Yes, when I brush out my hair in the morning and what feels like a million strands land on the floor, on my shoulders or stare accusingly at me from my comb. But I defiantly dust them off and put them all in the bin. Because I don't need to keep count of every single strand that says goodbye to my scalp. As much as some may be falling, even more are growing. What painful things do you have in your life that you keep diligent count of? Is it all the slights, wrongs or hurtful, careless remarks you encounter at work, or receive from family, or friends? You don't need that kind of tally. It's not helping you my love. It's just going to end up clogging up your bathroom sink and choking the very joy out of you. Begin a habit of sweeping it all up daily and then tossing it all away. And maybe you lose that hurtful friend, or leave that job if that's what needs to be done.

Do I sometimes wonder what I got myself into going blonde? ALL.THE.DARN.TIME. Blonde hair is not for the weak, ladies and gentlemen! The shortest amount of time I spend on wash-days is 4 hours. It involves several steps using costly and very specific products that I have had to source from all manner of stores and across oceans! I kid you not. I'll wait here as you Google the magic elixir called Olaplex and discover the infuriating fact that only 1 salon in Nairobi seems to offer it and at a sum that is stomach churning. So yeah, I ordered up one measly bottle of it at a handsome price from the UK and I’m still waiting on it to get here *sigh….I'm hoping it will be my Christmas present to myself (a.k.a, Dear Lord, let it reach when I still have some platinum tips left to save hahaha!) Coloring my hair has made an already savvy shopper even more ingenious. I'm always looking for great products at bargain prices. The hair upkeep is challenging and a near constant task, but it's not something I cannot do. I've risen to the task because the alternative is not something I wish to explore. And you've got to take the same approach and perspective when encountering new challenges, new problems, and new opportunities. Will that new job be more demanding and require you to gain insight and skills you don't currently have? No problem. You've got one of the most remarkable brains under that blonde hair, step up sister! 

And finally, and one of my favorite things to ponder, do blondes really have more fun? 

Yes. Yes, they do. Not because their hair is the color of the sun, but because they know and like who they are. And with an internal glow like that it can't help but show on the outside too. 

So yes, you will get stopped on Biashara Street by that guy making intense eye contact as he steps onto the sidewalk. And the guy checking the boot of your car at the airport will give you his number even though he sees you're with someone else...

Yes, you will overhear kids dare each other to ask you if that is really all your hair as you go to the shops...

Yes, those college girls will take a photo of your hair as you sit in the row in front of them in the matatu (***pro tip on incognito photography of unwitting subjects, nix the giggling next time.) But yes, yet another girl will approach you at the bookstore and ask you where you got it done...

And yes, some folks will think your hair is a weave. *sigh….I like weaves by the way, but these are the comments that hurt my vanity most because after all the effort and work involved, I want some acknowledgement that it's all me!

It's all okay, because as you diligently comb your hair into a pineapple before putting on your silk hair bonnet at night, you'll smile and think; Yes, I like this woman who felt she could match the sun in its brilliance. 

So dear reader, I want to encourage you to do what it is that is your own version of getting hair bleached. Because this wasn't just a musing on why, how and when to go blonde. It's about doing what you want to do in spite of the fear. Or maybe because of the fear. 

And Yo! Am I the only one who feels like intercontinental shipping takes too long?! #anxietyisreal #santababyineedmyolaplex ;)

Musing No. 12

Being vulnerable is hard. Because it means being our truest selves in a time where we carefully curate people's perceptions of us. And because being vulnerable comes with the innate risk that we may be rejected, and many of us are naturally risk averse. 

But what we need to remember is that vulnerability is actually a strength. It is the key to deeper connections with family, friends and partners. Your people are the folks who know that you snort when you laugh and still find it adorable. It's those people that you have had the courage to share your deepest fears, highest ambitions, craziest dreams and darkest secrets and who have reciprocated your vulnerability with a show of theirs as well. 

Yes, it can be scary as heck, especially if you've been burnt or disappointed before, but who hasn't been hurt? We're hurt all the time! It's so easy to become cynical and let these past experiences deter you. But it doesn't have to be that way, and it's only recently that this dawned on me.

It's been several years since I've even toyed with the notion that I could feel for someone the way I felt once before. So that exciting, slightly frightening, if not nauseating joy you get when you're speaking, looking, thinking or talking about someone you have a connection with was like a bolt through my system. I'd dated a couple of guys in the time since but none brought that deep sense of comfort or inspired a need for vulnerability. In full honesty I had become somewhat jaded and pessimistic. Something that's not difficult when an increasing number of men are either quoting Nyakundi (even before I knew who he was) or walking around also weary and investing very little in relationships...but that's a post for another time.

So abandoning caution I opened up that part of myself that was so out of practise. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. And it felt so good. (I suspect this is how The Grinch must have felt when he finally let the spirit of Christmas in, hahaha!)

It was like crisp, fresh air when you've been inside for too long, or a drink of water on a scorching day. Not to be overly dramatic but it did feel like my very soul and spirit were rejuvenated. It was a coming-to-life although I had had no idea the extent to which some parts of myself had withered.

And that's the thing about spending your days being guarded and keeping your vulnerabilities under check. You do it so well that you begin to accept that how you feel and interact with others is the modus operandi.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness. Brené Brown*

 And for a few weeks it was bliss,and I thrived in the contentment and happiness that this new connection was allowing me to experience.

But as suddenly as it began, it ended and I found myself in a predicament.

This painfully brief connection could either serve to reinforce my fears on vulnerabilities, and my paralyzing belief that a deep connection truly was a once-in-a-lifetime possibility. Or I could use it as an opportunity to learn and in doing so be glad of it in some way. 

I chose the latter, because even though there was no happy ending, allowing myself to be vulnerable has left me with a sense of strength and conviction about some things:

That you can indeed love briefly but deeply. A realisation that you can have someone in your life for years and not truly know them, and meet someone new and in a few brief weeks know them more keenly. It's not the duration of acquaintance but the depth of conversation you have with someone that really matters.

That sometimes you have to be selfish. To chose your own happiness over what logic or others would dictate. Life is short, and we're not getting out of it alive! You have to seize the moments of joy where and when you find them,and know that you deserve them. Screw the rest!

I have also learnt that I like my hand to be held. Not in a tight hold but in a gentle grasp that feels both fleeting yet intentional. That this one small act with the right person can still make my stomach flip.

I have learnt that while I have become acutely aware of the steady passage of time, I can still find novelty, and excitement. It's not a reserve of teenagers. That conversations until 2am on a weekday are still possible. That people still pick up the phone and call, and that the sound of someone's voice will win over text messages every single time.

And lastly, I have learnt that you can still know what the right thing to do is but still face great temptation to ignore it. That was an important realisation, and perhaps explains why so many good people can make bad choices. I'm still working through this lesson because it can sometimes conflict with the need to do what brings you joy.

Like I said, I know it's difficult to let yourself be vulnerable, but remember there is courage in trusting others to see all of you, in allowing yourself to fall in love, and even in trying out a new career, in spite of the fear of rejection and judgement. 

Sometimes you'll end up getting smacked in the face for it, but other times it'll lead you where you need to go, and to the people you were meant to meet. You never know. And that's why even though this story didn't have a happy ending, I'm determined to have the courage to show all of me in future. 

So I encourage you to live your life with more vulnerability! Love recklessly and often, have the courage to do what you want to do, and be who you are with no fear.

*And now all of Brené Brown's books have been added to my 2018 TBR list hahaha.