Musing 14

You're vegan? But why?

Getting a variation of this question has become the norm since I started this journey, so Musing No. 14 is going to be a little special. It is my Vegan Manifesto to all inquiring minds, and to myself should I ever falter or waver. I hope you will find this deviation from my typical posts interesting and (dare I even hope?) reformative. The musing was never meant to be this long, but the more I wrote, the more I had to say. And the more I delved deeper, the more I learnt.

I'd love to hear what you think, so please free to leave a comment or question. 

Shall we begin?

Right off the bat I’d like to clarify that veganism is a lifestyle and not a diet. Early on I was asked by family member if I was transitioning in order to lose weight, and I was frankly a little insulted. Now, I realize that the question mostly comes from a lack of understanding and less from malice. To be vegan is to eliminate all types of meats, fish, eggs, dairy products and any other animal-derived substances (e.g. honey) from your diet. It is a lifestyle that questions the commoditization of animals and highlights its effect on the environment and health.

Up until two month ago, I was a staunch believer that life without a juicy burger was not a life worth living, and that an existence without cheese was a bleak one. My favorite Sunday meal was roast chicken, and on particularly stressful days I would find the KFC drive thru & Burger King on Mombasa road a great solace. Then one Sunday evening, I made the decision to give it all up. It’s not that I developed a deathly allergy to dairy overnight, neither did I receive a medical diagnosis that required me to give up meat. 

I watched one of the most insightful and compelling documentaries I’d ever seen, and just like that I made the decision to be vegan. 

But perhaps I am over simplifying it excessively. I did at first toy with the idea of being pescetarian or vegetarian. With the latter I could still allow eggs and dairy products into my diet, and the former even allowed for fish. That would have been an easier route instead of going “cold turkey”. But this debate I was having proved a great point against itself –it highlighted the magnitude of the cognitive dissonance we all suffer and which allows us to separate the act of butchering, from the neatly packaged food that winds up in our supermarkets. You see a package of bacon or sausages, you do not see the actual pig and the life it has been subjected to, nor how it was killed. We’ve grown up in a society that is staunchly omnivorous and our minds are very adept at justifying eating meat. “Meat protein is critical”;“Human beings are at the top of the food chain”; “Why should I care how animals are treated when they are going to be slaughtered anyway?” 

In the end, it always comes back to these three important ideas: Going vegan was going to be better for my health, it was good for the environment (even as I feared the minute impact), and ultimately it was the most humane and ethical way to lead life. 

If you’ve watched the documentary Earthlings you will have no problem appreciating the ethical concerns of animal agriculture. In fact, you would question humanities humanity in all the spheres we interact with animals: As pets or companions, as food, for clothing, entertainment and for science. A large majority of us practice what is called speciesism every single day of our lives, and we don’t even realize that that is what it is. But that is a musing for another time.

So, to answer the question, this is why I went vegan.

1. I did it for the environment

I am no Wangari Maathai but I do try my best to be a good occupant of this planet. We were always concerned about plastic usage and recycling in our household long before NEMA banned single-use plastics. We upcycle a lot of the things we buy in stores, and inadvertently use water wisely.

Without question, red meat is harmful to the environment. It has been cited as the single biggest cause of habitat destruction in the world. A lot of resources (land and water) goes into raising cattle on an industrial scale. Farming livestock (cattle, sheep, pigs, chicken, and goats) also produces methane and nitrous oxide which are greenhouse gases, and which contribute to global warming to a staggering proportion. Animal agriculture is responsible for 18 percent of greenhouse gas emissions - more than the combined exhaust from all transportation! Yes, you read that right. Transportation exhaust is responsible for 13% of all greenhouse gas emissions. Even more incredulous? Every year, these farm animals produce 130 times more waste than the entire human population combined. 

But nobody talks about this! 

What you do hear is carbon offsetting when flying, or reducing your carbon footprint at home, which are all necessary conservation efforts but no one talks about the livestock industry’s contribution. (I could go deeper on why this is the case but I fear that this will morph from elaborating on the positive impact of veganism on the environment into an essay on the growing influences of MNCs and the food industry across the world.) The simple reality is that given a choice between switching to a hybrid car where applicable/giving up your car entirely, or choosing a plant-based diet, switching to veganism would be the most effective in terms of environmental conservation.

Looking at the amount of land dedicated for pasture or to grow grain and crops for animals across the world, it can be argued that that land would be better used to grow food crops for the world’s population and aid in addressing famine. Simultaneously, animal agriculture also leads to deforestation – the world’s appetite for meat is ever growing but the size of this planet isn’t. In order to meet the growing demand and cash in on the profits in the industry, forests are cleared. Today a 1/3 of the planet is desertified, with livestock being the leading driver. And this doesn’t even touch on the water used to keep animal agriculture thriving. In the US it is estimated that growing feed crops for livestock consumes 56% of the fresh water. Further data shows that 18,927 liters of water are required to produce 1 kg of beef; 1,800 liters of water to produce 0.5 kg of eggs (approx. 12 eggs); almost 3,400 liters of water are needed for 0.5 kgs of cheese, while 1,000 liters of water are required to produce 1 liter of milk (2 x the Brookside milk packet of milk). 

I really wish there were Kenyan statistics that I could reference to illustrate this point but that kind of data is not available as far as my research allowed. A fairly accurate supposition would be that our usage of these resources is not nearly as great as that of the US or Europe (based on country’s level of development, demand, population size and technology). But you have to appreciate the fact that what is done continents away affects us all and this single planet we all call home. Global warming is not a issue affecting only one part of the hemisphere; water depletion is not a reality isolated to one side of the world. We all feel it. And we all need to realize that collective action begins with individual decisions. And for me, being vegan lets me do exactly that.

2. I did it for my health

So maybe this is not the most flattering disclosure, but I’ve had chronic constipation as far back as I can remember and taken just about every aid you can name. I've also endured endoscopy and colonoscopy, procedures that should be reserved for your enemies! If you have ever suffered any bout of constipation you know that the relief after is quite incomparable haha! 

Now imagine my elation to discover that my new vegan lifestyle was having a marked and significant improvement to my digestion system. That alone is a triumph, but to boot I felt so much better after meals! I’m sure that some of you know the kind of fullness you get to the pit of your stomach after eating steak, chicken, nyama choma, or a cheese burger? Many of us have come to consider that normal and a sign of being sated after a meal but it's not. For me, this further morphed into stomach discomfort. Last 2 months - eating is a delight! I find joy in searching for new plant-based recipes. In buying the produce and in the cooking. I relish the lightness that comes as I eat, and I adore the energy that I have even post-meals. No more feeling stuffed! Instead, a sense of repletion and nourishment. An added bonus is that I’ve also lost a couple of inches around my waist, my skin is the clearest it’s been in months (knock on wood), and while I may not be the energizer bunny, I have a great sense of effervescence (of body and spirit), and it shows in my renewed interest in outdoor and physical activities. 

3. I did it for my conscience

One of the loudest sentiments I get when I raise the ethical treatment of animals is that animals have no feelings and therefore we are not cruel to mistreat, kill and eat them. The truth is that all animals (fish included) have a nervous system. Please take a moment and recall high school biology. An organism with a central nervous system is capable of feeling pain – that simple. 

Let’s assume that this fact alone does not move you still – who cares if farm animals feel pain, they can't speak out and complain - how about the fact that animals have feelings and connections too? If you have a pet, you know this more acutely than others. In the wild we are quick to exult the fact that elephants have memories, grieve for lost loved ones and have matriarchal familial systems. If you have spent time with a horse or cow, or even seen a pig, sheep or goat with its offspring you have witnessed nurturing and familial bonding. And in the same breathe cognitive dissonance allows us to be comfortable with the killing of these animals in the most inhumane ways imaginable, yet also state one of the elements in the triad of sociopathy/homicide is the harming of animals.

There is a reason children are taken to zoos and not slaughterhouses, although both show little regard for the life of species we deem of lower value than our own. A reason why few of us have ever seen the inside of a slaughterhouse, let alone killed a single animal that we have eaten all our lives. A reason why the packet of sausages, bacon, or beef looks nothing like the animal it was. A reason why “Happy Cow” is branded on a box of cheese when the cows that produced the milk were anything but nothing. A reason why your steak is called beef not cow; your pie pork and not pig. As a wild shot in the dark, take a moment to consider why so many of us react so viscerally to the idea of the Yulin Dog Meat Festival while we do not bat an eyelid sitting down at our dinner tables, serving up beef stew to our families. After all, the local residents and festival organizers claim that these dogs are killed humanely, the meat is proven to be high in proteins, and dogs are animals just like pigs, sheep or goats. Challenge yourself to see beyond our natural cognitive dissonance.

It's a Man-Eat-Animal world out there

It’s been a little over two months since I made the transition and before then I had not noticed how our world is designed around omnivores. 

The vegetable and grain options in some of our local supermarkets and shops is surprisingly limited. In the plethora and abundance of vegetables grown and available, these shops are simply stunted, selling a limited variety of vegetables: No small wonder that many people think vegetables means only sukuma, cabbage and tomatoes. We also suffer from an unhealthy fear that these foods are expensive. You could count me in the number of the people who imagine that shopping at Zucchinis or at the vegetable section of supermarket is a reserve of the upper class. But left with no alternative I was pleasantly surprised. Not only are they priced fairly, some are even cheaper than the groceries in the estate. 

And such treasures I have found!! Quinoa (pronounced KEEN-wah lol), quick and easy to cook, wonderful flavor and a great alternative to rice. Tofu – the miracle food that can be transformed into a scramble, a burger, or fillet. And I'm speaking from having tried it all out. Jackfruit which is, dare I say, better than pulled pork in a sandwich. All wholefoods and plant-based, all healthy, filling and delicious. We have come to believe that we can only enjoy the flavor of beef or chicken in a stew. But these meats have no exciting flavors on their own. It is the preparation methods and spices, the seasoning that give them their flavor. Don’t buy it, try eating some boiled meat before adding seasoning.

Eating out is also an exercise in stubbornness and determination, and even then more often than not you may end up having a salad with fries. Not the most exciting thing to have to eat constantly when dining out. But some restaurants are courteous and a polite exchange with the waiter can make a huge difference. That said, Nairobi is still a far way off from being a culinary haven for vegans. I found an online announcement that Pizza Hut US had introduced a vegan pizza, but on reaching out to the Kenyan franchise I was reminded that everything takes a minute to trickle down to our corner of the world. 

A girl's quest for cruelty-free,eco-friendly pizza continues.... 

But I have heard wonderful things about places like Boho Eatery and I'm looking forward to trying them out. Vegan doesn't mean dull and unexciting, quite the opposite and I'm eager for more people to realize that. 

FAQ (or Questions that may be driving me closer to madness!)

After the initial disbelief or incredulous reaction I receive after explaining what it means to be vegan, many people inevitably turn into nutritionist! 

Someone who has never show any particular interest in human nutrition suddenly becomes grievously considered about my amino acids uptake! 

So here’s a short list of some of my favorite questions…

1. Protein? You have to eat meat for protein. All protein begins in plants. Only plants are capable of converting nitrogen found in air into protein, which is then ingested by animals when they eat the plants. Back to our favorite high school biology class: Humans produce eleven amino acids in their bodies and need to eat foods that have the remaining nine essential amino acids (top marks if you can name all twenty). Some plants/foods have all nine acids i.e. they are complete proteins. This includes but is not limited to quinoa, soya (whether it’s soy milk, edamame or tofu), chia and hempseed. Other plants have a selection of some of these acids and in combination make up all the nine. As long as legumes, nuts, seeds, whole grains, fruits and vegetables are finding their way to your plate, you’re more likely to be getting more protein than you actually need. Protein deficiency (kwashiorkor) in an individual getting food on a consistent basis is a rare occurrence,and near unheard of in the developed world.

Eating meat gives you protein second-hand* (*my term, not scientific). Going vegan removes the middleman and the cholesterol, antibiotics, diseases, saturated fats, and hormones that comes with animal meat, dairy products and eggs. Insult to injury is the fact that in some cases, animal meat also contains carcinogenic compounds such as heterocyclic amines (HCA) and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAH), which are formed during processing or cooking. (It’s the reason why grilling meat directly is discouraged.) These “extras” that come with meat increase the risk of cardiovascular diseases, significantly increases the risk of cancers, type 2 diabetes, strokes, obesity, and even the earlier onset of cognitive decline. In 2015 World Health Organization made headlines when it categorized processed meat as a carcinogen that increases the risk of colon or rectum cancer by 18 percent. 

Still not finding this information compelling? 

Well consider the fact that meat also carries the highest risk of fooborne illness - food poisoning, E. Coli, Salmonella. Meat and chicken in butcheries and supermarkets is often tainted with fecal contamination during slaughter or processing. And did you know there is an acceptable amount of pus (somatic cells) that is allowed in milk? In the US that is approximately 1,120,000 cells per spoonful which works out to about a drop per glass. I'm not sure what that level is in Kenya or whether it is even monitored. And while it is argued that in that level the pus is not harmful, would want even a drop of pus in your mouth?

Furthermore, animal products have various hormones in them. There are the naturally occurring sex and growth hormones like the ones found in cow’s milk designed to spur the calf’s growth after birth, as well as progesterone, testosterone, and estrogen (which most people do not requires more than what they already have in their own bodies). Then there are the artificially administered hormones (and antibiotics) used by growers in animal agriculture to hasten the growth of livestock and keep them healthy in unsanitary/crowded spaces.

Plant protein doesn’t have any of these risks and instead comes with fiber and antioxidants. Tell me again how that steak is better than these beans lol?

2. Can you get all the nutrients you need from plants? This question I prefer because it comes from a place of concern. It’s also the only one where the answer is not a resounding yes. Like vegetarians, vegans get all the nutrients required except for the elusive Vitamin B12. B12 is one of the eight B complex vitamins (I didn’t make this stuff up haha) and it is made by microorganisms found typically in animal products. The only reliable vegan (and vegetarian) sources of B12 are foods fortified with B12 (like soya milk, and nutritional yeast). This means taking the extra minute at the supermarket aisle to read a label (which trust me, as newly vegan you do already do a lot of) and selecting the product that has the fortification. If you’re still concerned about how often and if you’re getting enough of it, then B12 supplements are readily available to get the approx.17 micro-gram weekly level recommended. Please note that I have said a dietary supplement and not medicine.

3. But surely, white meat (chicken and fish) is better than red meat? My favorite response to this is borrowed from one doctor in the documentary What the Health: Choosing white meat over red meat is like choosing between being hang to death instead of being shot. All the concerns surrounding red meat consumption (cholesterol, fat, hormones, and antibiotics) also apply to chicken and farmed fish. Fish from fresh water or oceans/sea come with the additional dangers of mercury poisoning and the cumulative concentration that arises when little fish are eaten by bigger fish. The world’s oceans are also being over-fished. Supplying the world's demand for seafood is leading to species extinctions. Alas, there are no longer more fish in the sea in more ways than one. The WWF and other organizations estimate that if we continue fishing at the current rate there will be little or no fish left in the oceans by 2048, just 30 years from now. 

4. But aren’t milk and eggs an important part of a healthy diet? Now, personally speaking I have had a tumultuous relationship with dairy and eggs. I also do not enjoy the taste of raw milk and it only ever served to worsen my constipation. Any eggs I ate had to be scrapped free of the organs that attach the yolk to the shell and then near burnt for me to be able to eat them, thanks to a traumatic serving of eggs, sunny-side-up the Jacaranda hotel when I was 10. Being vegan and having to omit these items from my diet was the easiest (but not so easy on my baking).

Eggs are the single largest source of cholesterol with an approximate 213 milligrams for an average-sized egg. If you are healthy it is recommended that you have no more than 300 milligrams of cholesterol a day, and less than 200 milligrams of cholesterol per day if you have high cholesterol, diabetes or other risk factors for heart disease. 

That single egg (egg yolk and egg white included) contains a shocking amount of fat and cholesterol. And that is after all because every egg contains all that is required to produce a new life. Within that egg shell lies the capacity to make feathers, eyes, a beak, a brain, a heart, a fully functioning life form. 

Ethically, eating eggs also leads to the slaughter of hundreds of millions of male chicks every year. A male chick will not produce eggs, and in a business of eggs this is a liability that is addressed by the destruction of male chicks. If the chick is female, it does get to live for a while longer. But this life is in giant sheds or warehouses holding hundreds of thousands of birds in tiny cages. Cages so small that the birds cannot stretch a wing. In these conditions there is no care for the behavioral health of these chickens which often resort to pecking each other (if they have not had their beaks burnt off). These chickens are also subjected to hormones and antibiotics to keep them healthy as a disease outbreak is inevitable in such cramped conditions and would mean monumental losses. Relegated to egg-laying machines, their natural lifespan of 15-20 years is shaved down to 1 to 2 years when they are slaughtered once their productivity declines. Chickens bred for meat are forced to grow to unnatural sizes (bigger breasts and drumsticks are the goals) and at unnatural speeds to meet an increased demand and get quicker returns. 

Some people then say that is why they only eat kienyeji (organic) chicken and eggs, or meat from upcountry – the chickens are free to roam, and the animals are generally spared the battery of drugs and are therefore healthier and more humanely treated. Bottom line - all of justifications are to make you feel less guilty for buying and eating a product that is always cruel. The level of cruelty may fluctuate slightly (organic or factory farmed) but to the animals, cruel is always cruel. And an organic egg still has all the cholesterol of a regular egg.

Globally and here in Kenya, since the era of maziwa ya Nyayo, we have been raised on the idea that cow milk is one of the healthiest foods for children, and essential for calcium and bone strength. And many people believe that dairy isn’t a bad thing because an animal doesn’t have to die in order for you to get it like in the case of meat. Sadly that is not the case.

Here’s the reality; the only perfect, healthiest food for babies is a mother’s breastmilk. This milk has the perfect balance of nutrients and contains the lowest fat content of all mammal produced milks. There’s also a reason why a cow produces milk. Same reason that we, as mammals also produce milk – for her calf, and it too has all the nutrients, all the hormones needed for the calf’s growth. The crux of it is that there is no other species on this earth that willingly drinks milk past infancy from an animal of a different species than their own except for humans. 

Personally, I see no resemblance... 

Further, the benefits we obtain from cow milk are greatly outweighed by the consequences and problems that comes with its consumption. To get this well-marketed product, cows have to be kept in near constant cycle of pregnancy and birth, and must be fed antibiotics to combat common cases of mastitis (that contributes to the somatic cells, aka pus, that I shared earlier). Calamitously, our bodies are also not designed to ingest another specie’s milk, and this is the reason many people are ‘lactose-intolerant’. Those who do not manifest obvious signs of intolerance do not realize that the effects are masked with internal inflammation. There are lots of plant-based alternatives to cow’s milk: Rice milk, Soy, Almond, Potato, Pea, Hemp milk, which are all nutritious and that are more readily available than many people realize. 

What we also have to appreciate is that if more people opt for healthier, more humane products, it will lead to an increased demand for those products and the food industry will rise to the occasion and supply. That is why every single person adopting a healthier lifestyle counts. One becomes five, becomes twenty, becomes many. Think of the recent polythene bag ban. There was a general discomfort and resistance but once the legislation came to effect there was an increased demand for environmentally friendly bags, and while at first you had a wild surge, the market adjusted and now the eco-friendly bags are to be found at every corner and at a range of pricing to fit all pockets. There is a lot I could add to this; the fact that like male chicks, male cows on dairy farms are in danger. That there is a reason why veal meat is predominantly from male calves. And that the conditions that these calves must be put in in order to get their meat tender is equal parts shocking as it is heartbreaking. But I’ll stop there.

5. But we were designed to eat meat? Slice it any way you want but the truth is that humans don’t have specialized, genetic, anatomical, or physiological adaptations for meat consumption. There is an extensive body of work comparing herbivores, carnivores and omnivores and the summary facts are that our distinctly longer digestive tracts are to allow for sufficient time for the hard-to-process plants and fibers that should be in our diet to be digested. Carnivores in contrast have shorter tracts so that the flesh consumed does not begin to petrify before being digested. 

Even our short flat teeth carry evidence. As we eat, we use our molars to chew, like herbivores do and not our canines. In the past months every time I see a photo comparing humans to carnivores and herbivores I feel like asking if they believe humans can swallow chunks of meat whole like a lion or tiger can? We don’t even like the sight of blood! Last thing, even the way our bodies’ process cholesterol isn’t that of a carnivore. True carnivores can ingest unlimited cholesterol and it have no effect on their circulation (heart & arteries) system. This is not true for humans.

6. But aren’t vegetables unsafe too? The briefest response to this is that a diet rich in fruits and vegetables outweighs the risks of pesticides, and is not comparable to a diet of meat. If you weigh the pros and cons of meat versus eating even pesticide-laden plants, plants would still be the better option. 

Another way to look at it is that animals eat plants and should they be laden with chemicals, the pesticides accumulates in their flesh in much higher concentrations. You'd have to eat all the pesticide-laced plants a cow eats to accumulate the same amount of pesticides in its flesh that you would eat when you eat the meat. Have you seen how much a cow eats every day?! The bottom line remains: The best thing you can do is consume lots of vegetables and fruit for their health benefits, whether you choose to buy organic (guaranteed to be free of chemicals but conversely very costly and difficult to come by) or not.

7. So, what do vegans eat anyways? Joy! A question I love getting, because people fixate on the handful of animal products we do not eat and forget the plethora of grains, beans, legumes, vegetables and fruits, and the nearly infinite number of foods made by combining them that exist. What’s more, there are vegan alternatives (healthier, sustainable and cruelty-free) to many common foods: burgers made from tofu (I made some killer tofu burgers a couple of weekends ago and as the resident burger-connoisseur I can report it tasted as good as any), vegan cheese (my weakness). Spaghetti, peanut butter sandwiches, french-fries (my ultimate comfort food) and salsa. A Thai curry made using coconut milk is vegan. Pasta with tomato bolognese sauce, or another non-meat and non-dairy sauce is vegan. 

For the past 2 months I have explored new foods and now eat a more varied diet than I ever did! I still can't imagine I have spent over 3 decades on this planet and never tasted jack fruit or quinoa before haha! 

Because a meme sometimes makes everything easier to understand lol! 

Final Musings

• Try every new thing at least twice. I think this goes even beyond food and applies to many areas of our lives. 
• Be curious about veganism. Learn, read and talk. Join all the FaceBook groups you can find and see which you find the most useful. Follow instagram accounts that advocate for a plant-based diet and see if you will not be amazed that trading in meat doesn't have to mean a less joyful palate.
• Remember you still have to make healthy eating choices even if animal products are not part of your diet. Sodas, Oreos, Crisps and French-fries are all vegan and if your meals revolve around them and other processed foods your health will deteriorate and you will resort to old eating habits. 
• Nutrition is not animal products. 

I tend to agree with the argument that the world's most dangerous myth is that meat is necessary for protein, strength and optimal health. An increasing number of world class athletes and competitors have proved and continue to thrive and excel on vegan diets. Nt to be a fangirl but it's commendable to see Lewis Hamilton, Venus Williams, Scott Jurek, Meagan Duhamel (did you see her at the concluded Winter Olympics?! Amazing), Arnold Schwarzenegger all speaking up. They are all testament to the fact that you don’t need meat to have strength. Have you even ever seen an ox eat meat? 

The hardest part of transitioning to a vegan is outside my home. Family and friends are quite receptive to the idea and will do what they can to accommodate you. I have a wonderful friend who I call my ride-or-die. She once called out someone who arbitrarily changed menu options for an event without taking into consideration that the veggie items were for someone. You have to just love those kind of people. 

But outside your home and circle there will be people who think you are prissy or snobbish. Either because you do not feel like telling every single person you meet that you are vegan and that is why you haven’t had that bite of chocolate or nyama choma, or because you have told them and they do not appreciate your decision. I was initially taken aback by the downright hostile response some people would have,but I have learnt that it comes from the fear that you may be condemning their choices by making your own. But that's farthest from the truth. I want my choice to be vegan to be a challenge to others: a challenge to learn more about the science and evidence advocating for a plant-based lifestyle, a challenge to change such a deeply entrenched habit like meat consumption, and a challenge to be more conscious of other beings other than ourselves.

What we eat has a major impact on our health, environment and consciousness in every ways we can measure and it may be worth taking a moment to muse over the food choices we make every day.

If you made it this far, thank you! I have a feeling that this path I'm on will led to more musings ;)

Musing No.13

"And you tried to change, didn't you? Closed your mouth more. Tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake...You are terrifying, and strange,and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love." Warsan Shire

One month ago I had my hair bleached blonde. 

There was no significant amount of introspection, no great pondering that took place before I made the decision. What I did have was a strong desire, capacity and access to a darn good hair colorist. There were also plenty of photos on my Pinterest board as I needed a way to narrow down the selection on the shade and method of application.

I did it because it was something I wanted to do and it would give me pleasure. And much like my last musing on vulnerability, I’ve become a proponent for taking pleasure where it’s to be had.

But I will also admit that as I walked into the salon that Saturday morning, a part of me was also relishing the idea that I would be seen differently. As a woman who was so bold and self-assured that she could adorn herself with such a brazen pop of color and pull it off without batting an eye. I like that woman. I want to be friends with that woman. But the first time I caught a glimpse of her, she had a look of horror in her eyes as the last of the foils were removed to reveal platinum white hair tips. 

Now, no one told me that changing hair color could evoke such fear. None of the pins on the aforementioned board had been on how to process your face when your crown changes shade.  My belly turned to water and it took every ounce of my self-restraint not to cry out. What had I done?!

By the time the bleach had been rinsed out and I was put under the hairdryer, I was already making a list of ways to downplay the change. What would people I work with think? How could I make it less obvious and uncomfortable? My hair wasn't even dry yet, and already I was worried I would be seen as offensive...and you know, that's how we are with other aspects of ourselves too. We are, do or become something that we strongly desire, but when we see that others could be frightened by what that is, or that we are getting judged for it, we look for a way to be less. 

Less talkative, less opinionated, less sensitive, less passionate, less happy, less demanding, less volatile, less awake! 

We look for what will make other people more comfortable. Ways to be more docile with our partner or at work, more cooperative with our family even when they ask more than they should, more forgiving and loving even with an unfaithful friend or deceptive partner, more feminine so that the men in our lives can feel man enough. (side note - take a moment to read "Dear Woman by Michael Reid". You will not regret it!)

Well, tough luck! This girl is done with being afraid or cautious. I'm embracing my brazenness. I'm letting my bold, blonde flag fly high. So, as I sit in the styling chair for the final time almost 5 hours since the process began, I can't help but crack a smile as the stylist works his fingers through my new ombre blonde strands. I like this Damaris! The one who did something she wanted and I'll let others figure out how to handle it on their own.

I'm also heartened that I can find freshness in something that feels like it's a given. You have black hair, that's all it can be. Well, no sir, that's not true. It may be difficult, time consuming and a little frightening at first but there's no limit to what can be done if it's what you want.

Are there times that old fears creeps back in? Yes, when I brush out my hair in the morning and what feels like a million strands land on the floor, on my shoulders or stare accusingly at me from my comb. But I defiantly dust them off and put them all in the bin. Because I don't need to keep count of every single strand that says goodbye to my scalp. As much as some may be falling, even more are growing. What painful things do you have in your life that you keep diligent count of? Is it all the slights, wrongs or hurtful, careless remarks you encounter at work, or receive from family, or friends? You don't need that kind of tally. It's not helping you my love. It's just going to end up clogging up your bathroom sink and choking the very joy out of you. Begin a habit of sweeping it all up daily and then tossing it all away. And maybe you lose that hurtful friend, or leave that job if that's what needs to be done.

Do I sometimes wonder what I got myself into going blonde? ALL.THE.DARN.TIME. Blonde hair is not for the weak, ladies and gentlemen! The shortest amount of time I spend on wash-days is 4 hours. It involves several steps using costly and very specific products that I have had to source from all manner of stores and across oceans! I kid you not. I'll wait here as you Google the magic elixir called Olaplex and discover the infuriating fact that only 1 salon in Nairobi seems to offer it and at a sum that is stomach churning. So yeah, I ordered up one measly bottle of it at a handsome price from the UK and I’m still waiting on it to get here *sigh….I'm hoping it will be my Christmas present to myself (a.k.a, Dear Lord, let it reach when I still have some platinum tips left to save hahaha!) Coloring my hair has made an already savvy shopper even more ingenious. I'm always looking for great products at bargain prices. The hair upkeep is challenging and a near constant task, but it's not something I cannot do. I've risen to the task because the alternative is not something I wish to explore. And you've got to take the same approach and perspective when encountering new challenges, new problems, and new opportunities. Will that new job be more demanding and require you to gain insight and skills you don't currently have? No problem. You've got one of the most remarkable brains under that blonde hair, step up sister! 

And finally, and one of my favorite things to ponder, do blondes really have more fun? 

Yes. Yes, they do. Not because their hair is the color of the sun, but because they know and like who they are. And with an internal glow like that it can't help but show on the outside too. 

So yes, you will get stopped on Biashara Street by that guy making intense eye contact as he steps onto the sidewalk. And the guy checking the boot of your car at the airport will give you his number even though he sees you're with someone else...

Yes, you will overhear kids dare each other to ask you if that is really all your hair as you go to the shops...

Yes, those college girls will take a photo of your hair as you sit in the row in front of them in the matatu (***pro tip on incognito photography of unwitting subjects, nix the giggling next time.) But yes, yet another girl will approach you at the bookstore and ask you where you got it done...

And yes, some folks will think your hair is a weave. *sigh….I like weaves by the way, but these are the comments that hurt my vanity most because after all the effort and work involved, I want some acknowledgement that it's all me!

It's all okay, because as you diligently comb your hair into a pineapple before putting on your silk hair bonnet at night, you'll smile and think; Yes, I like this woman who felt she could match the sun in its brilliance. 

So dear reader, I want to encourage you to do what it is that is your own version of getting hair bleached. Because this wasn't just a musing on why, how and when to go blonde. It's about doing what you want to do in spite of the fear. Or maybe because of the fear. 

And Yo! Am I the only one who feels like intercontinental shipping takes too long?! #anxietyisreal #santababyineedmyolaplex ;)

Musing No. 12

Being vulnerable is hard. Because it means being our truest selves in a time where we carefully curate people's perceptions of us. And because being vulnerable comes with the innate risk that we may be rejected, and many of us are naturally risk averse. 

But what we need to remember is that vulnerability is actually a strength. It is the key to deeper connections with family, friends and partners. Your people are the folks who know that you snort when you laugh and still find it adorable. It's those people that you have had the courage to share your deepest fears, highest ambitions, craziest dreams and darkest secrets and who have reciprocated your vulnerability with a show of theirs as well. 

Yes, it can be scary as heck, especially if you've been burnt or disappointed before, but who hasn't been hurt? We're hurt all the time! It's so easy to become cynical and let these past experiences deter you. But it doesn't have to be that way, and it's only recently that this dawned on me.

It's been several years since I've even toyed with the notion that I could feel for someone the way I felt once before. So that exciting, slightly frightening, if not nauseating joy you get when you're speaking, looking, thinking or talking about someone you have a connection with was like a bolt through my system. I'd dated a couple of guys in the time since but none brought that deep sense of comfort or inspired a need for vulnerability. In full honesty I had become somewhat jaded and pessimistic. Something that's not difficult when an increasing number of men are either quoting Nyakundi (even before I knew who he was) or walking around also weary and investing very little in relationships...but that's a post for another time.

So abandoning caution I opened up that part of myself that was so out of practise. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. And it felt so good. (I suspect this is how The Grinch must have felt when he finally let the spirit of Christmas in, hahaha!)

It was like crisp, fresh air when you've been inside for too long, or a drink of water on a scorching day. Not to be overly dramatic but it did feel like my very soul and spirit were rejuvenated. It was a coming-to-life although I had had no idea the extent to which some parts of myself had withered.

And that's the thing about spending your days being guarded and keeping your vulnerabilities under check. You do it so well that you begin to accept that how you feel and interact with others is the modus operandi.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness. Brené Brown*

 And for a few weeks it was bliss,and I thrived in the contentment and happiness that this new connection was allowing me to experience.

But as suddenly as it began, it ended and I found myself in a predicament.

This painfully brief connection could either serve to reinforce my fears on vulnerabilities, and my paralyzing belief that a deep connection truly was a once-in-a-lifetime possibility. Or I could use it as an opportunity to learn and in doing so be glad of it in some way. 

I chose the latter, because even though there was no happy ending, allowing myself to be vulnerable has left me with a sense of strength and conviction about some things:

That you can indeed love briefly but deeply. A realisation that you can have someone in your life for years and not truly know them, and meet someone new and in a few brief weeks know them more keenly. It's not the duration of acquaintance but the depth of conversation you have with someone that really matters.

That sometimes you have to be selfish. To chose your own happiness over what logic or others would dictate. Life is short, and we're not getting out of it alive! You have to seize the moments of joy where and when you find them,and know that you deserve them. Screw the rest!

I have also learnt that I like my hand to be held. Not in a tight hold but in a gentle grasp that feels both fleeting yet intentional. That this one small act with the right person can still make my stomach flip.

I have learnt that while I have become acutely aware of the steady passage of time, I can still find novelty, and excitement. It's not a reserve of teenagers. That conversations until 2am on a weekday are still possible. That people still pick up the phone and call, and that the sound of someone's voice will win over text messages every single time.

And lastly, I have learnt that you can still know what the right thing to do is but still face great temptation to ignore it. That was an important realisation, and perhaps explains why so many good people can make bad choices. I'm still working through this lesson because it can sometimes conflict with the need to do what brings you joy.

Like I said, I know it's difficult to let yourself be vulnerable, but remember there is courage in trusting others to see all of you, in allowing yourself to fall in love, and even in trying out a new career, in spite of the fear of rejection and judgement. 

Sometimes you'll end up getting smacked in the face for it, but other times it'll lead you where you need to go, and to the people you were meant to meet. You never know. And that's why even though this story didn't have a happy ending, I'm determined to have the courage to show all of me in future. 

So I encourage you to live your life with more vulnerability! Love recklessly and often, have the courage to do what you want to do, and be who you are with no fear.

*And now all of Brené Brown's books have been added to my 2018 TBR list hahaha.

Musing No. 11

In my head I have written dozens of posts, all of them funny and relatable. All of them garnering rave reviews. But in reality I last posted on Musings in 2014. It's a lot like that with many things in life. In your mind, the scenario plays out one way but in the real world it's a lot different.

You went out for dinner or drinks with the really attractive guy, or that really lovely gentleman. In your head it's a match and weddings are perfect in December; in reality he never calls.

You signed up for Tinder and wrote the most engaging Bio you could, uploaded a well-curated number of photos, matching with several guys who are bound to be interesting. In real life, they are incapable of decent conversation and emojis have become substitutes for sentences. You begin to suffer muscle spasms (that you fear may be carpal tunnel) from swiping left so fast and so many times.

You bought that really lovely yellow dress because you read that yellow is the new black; in reality you look like a dandelion and are living up to the stereotype of people from a certain part of the country.

The good thing is that reality does eventually catch up and when you open your eyes to see things as they are, it's not too bad. The yellow dress only looked so distressing because you wore the wrong shoes; the tinder matches were so disappointing because you signed up with the wrong expectations; the guys who didn't call, well, those are just jerks and no amount of introspection is going to give you any amount of insight.

You learn and you grow...

You learn and grow with every single one of these awakening, and that is something that you can always be thankful for.

P.S. I'm going to post this as it is. I'm not going to give in to the temptation to save it as draft to add more to it later. Because that's how I end up with dozens of unpublished posts and a cobweb-ridden blog hahaha! Perfection is the enemy of progress.

Musing No. 10

"How far have you walked for men who've never held your feet in their laps?

How are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?

How often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?

Why do you find the unavailable so alluring?

Where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?

If they wanted you, wouldn't they have chosen you?

All this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn't hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?

And what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?

How are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?

Where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?

Where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?

— Warsan Shire

Musing No. 9

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND, AND WIFE, AND WIFE, AND WIFE….

“One wife, you're happy, two and you're tired, three and they'll hate each other, four and they'll hate you.” ― Patrick Rothfuss

Dear Reader,

Allow me to be an angry African woman for a moment. I do not actively seek to validate stereotypes but humor me this one time as I feel justified.

I live in Kenya, a country that promises me that the African dream will not remain an ideal; we are working towards its realization. I live in a country that has the Vision 2030. A country that successfully discarded a colonial constitution because it no longer serves our greater purpose and instead ratifies a new constitution – because the former stood in the way of our progress

And now I live in a country that has successfully repealed and passed the Marriage Bill 2014.

Now here’s where I get angry.

I now live in a country where it is legal for my husband to have “something on the side” or mpango wa kando as we locally call it; what else would you call it when he is free to marry as many women as he may want in a traditional ceremony. In a country that gives polygamous marriages the same legal status as any monogamous marriage.

Surely, you ask, there must be a rational basis for such a law to be passed: A solid justification for the 81% male-dominated National Assembly to not just table the bill but to repeal and to finally pass it?

Well, these “Real African Men” stand on the platform of tradition and religion. A solid basis, no doubt, because after all, where would we be without our ancestral backgrounds and our faith?

Then I ask if it is tradition that they sought to legally empower, why is it that in the same breathe they declare polygamy a major part of our traditional society? Would they also declare that the tradition of presenting dowry to the bride’s family is to be scrapped?

What of religion then? Islam clearly sanctions it (and even before this bill, Muslim men were allowed to have up to 4 wives) and according to the Members of Parliament, even Christianity sanctions it – an argument that would be compelling in a country with an 82.5% Christian population.

But alas, even the Christian religious leaders themselves spoke out against the bill, calling it a cowardly move that would mark a step backwards for our country and that showed no respect to women or the institution of marriage itself. These Christian leaders include Archbishop Timothy Ndambuki of the National Councils of Churches of Kenya and Bishop David Oginde.

Our stoic leaders, however, were not to be fazed! They were indeed united in purpose: this bill was their ticket to Utopia and nothing would jeopardize it! They quoted the Bible, stating that King David and Solomon had many wives and needed no one’s consent. The angry African woman in me responds - News flash! You are not King Solomon or King David and 2014 cannot be compared with the times in the Old Testament. Those were the days but these are the times.

But in spite of all that, here we are…

In a country where my political leaders and decision makers do not think that I, as a lawfully wedded wife, should even be informed that my husband is taking on wife number two, or three, or…you get the picture. Kenya's Capital News website quotes one MP, a Mr. Junat of Suna West eloquently stating, “When you marry an African woman, she must know the second one is on the way, and a third wife… this is Africa,”

If this is not misogynistic and a classic case of male avoidance, I just don’t know what is!

Is it so wrong to say that if a man believes he is capable of sustaining more than one wife that he should at least have the cahoonas to discuss it with his wife and family?

To categorically take the wife out of the equation not only undermines her right to give consent on how financial resources, of which she has legal entitlement, are utilized but it also has a more significant sociological-impact.

Let us assume that the man is capable of economically supporting his growing number of wives and resultant children, he will only manage to do so by spending a great deal of his time engaged in his work. For a typical family, the struggle for a work–life balance is already present, so for a larger polygamous family it is easy to see that the children (and wives) will inevitably suffer from neglect. The man will simply be spread out too thin! This kind of paternal neglect typically spawns deprecating behavior in children who end up seeking validation and self-worth from other less savory sources. In addition, polygamous families typically have greater conflict – whether it’s between co-wives lobbying for a spot in their husband’s schedule or in trying to secure preferential favors or resources for their own children.

But ultimately, what message are we communicating to our sons and daughters? In such a family set up, you can easily see the gender messages being passed to the boys and girls. To the boys – amass and display power by acquiring many wives. To the girls – you are no more than chattels, to be collected and amassed.

To be fair, the men who amended this bill were not absolutely daft; they don’t call themselves politicians for nothing. They knew that they will have to campaign for re-election and that they will need the votes of the same women that they have crossed. As such, the new Act does address some issues that resonate with the greater fight women have been battling. The Act states that women are now entitled to 50% of the property acquired during marriage.

That generally, would have been a step in the right direction. However, in the face of the Act in its entirety, I consider these appeasements to be nothing more than the metaphorical dozen long stem roses, the day after he forgets your anniversary.

I don’t want to live in a country where Prince Charming marries both Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty!

Is this really part of our greater vision for Kenya?

Yours’,
An Angry, and now Jaded, African woman

This article was also published on African Hadithi.

Musing No.8

Olivia: I don't want normal, and easy, and simple. I want..

Edison: What? What do you want, Olivia?

Olivia: I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love. Don't you want that, too? 

Edison: Love is not supposed to be painful or devastating. Love isn't supposed to hurt, Liv

 I wrote my first musing close to 9 months ago. As conflicted as I felt at the time I still wrote from a place of hope. I may have managed to deceive myself that I had two choices and I could make either but it’s now pretty obvious that I always was going wade in deeper “into the murky thing that may be love”.

Well, I’m here to report that sometimes the murky stuff is just plain old mud – no romanticizing it! That sometimes obstacles in the way may mean stop and aren’t actually some epic challenges that your true love is meant to overcome. 

Sometimes when something is broken it’s meant to stay that way. But we’ve become a generation of “Fixers”; adept at CPR, at the resuscitation of something that would be best left cold & dead in a ditch.

What I’ve learnt is that sometimes a relationship is rocky because it’s unstable, not safe and not meant to work. But every time you blow air into it attempting to breathe some life to it, you aren’t fixing it. You are just dragging it out; delaying the inevitable. 

I’ve only awakened to the fact that we’ve become these fix-it junkies and our support systems, our friends have become well-meaning enablers. We spend our time reading endless blog posts and magazine articles, on “how to make him a better communicator”, “how to improve the trust in your relationship”, “10 easy steps to a happier relationship”. 

We just want to fix, fix, fix! It’s DIY gone wild.

We need to STOP.

We’re sending each other the wrong messages. Maybe the reason that the trust is missing in the relationship isn’t because you haven’t found the right Cosmo article. Maybe it’s because something’s happened that’s broken that trust. Maybe your intuition is picking up on the signs that you can’t see clearly. 

The more energy you use to fix what’s meant to be broken is energy you’re taking away from bringing more positive and enriching people and experience into your life. Its time you’re taking from yourself and depositing it into something that wouldn’t have the payoff you hope it will.

And you know what, I no longer buy into that BS that love hurts or love is hard or love has to be difficult and devastating in order for it to be life changing and extraordinary. I’m backing up Edison on this one (ref. the video link above).

So many other things in this brief and beautiful life are going to hurt; loss is going to hurt, rejection is going to hurt, failure is going to hurt. The one thing that’s not supposed to hurt is love.

We need to modify what we believe a relationship should be like and appreciate that healthy, happy relationships don't feel like work at all. 

They simply work.

Musing No. 7

He loved her in a distant kind of way, the same way the sun heats the Earth.

If she were to disappear completely, he knew through pure logic that it would have no great, disastrous effect on him.

He would not cease to be; he would not stop breathing; his heart would not stop beating; the world would not stop spinning.

The sun would keep shining, radiating heat, if the Earth were not there.

On a certain, purely physical level, her absence would have absolutely zero effect on his person.

And yet...

He loved her in an abstract kind of way, the way a bee loves honey.

He wasn't sure why he wanted to love her, but he wanted to love her just the same. Maybe somebody told him once that he should be in love with somebody, so he felt a need to pick somebody and it just so happened to be her.

Maybe. Being in love was nice, sure, but he didn't need to be.

And yet...

He loved her in a removed kind of way, the way a butterfly's wings can start a tsunami halfway around the world.

He knew that it had an effect on her, but he wasn't sure how great.

On a certain level he was aware that if he were to stop, if he were to disappear, it would have a drastic effect.

For him it would be one less flap of his wings, in a manner of speaking, if such a thing were possible without him falling from the sky.

And yet...

He loved her in a subtle kind of way.

It wasn't the kind of love you see in movies, with swelling music and giant gestures and running through the streets to catch a departing train.

It wasn't the kind of love that Byron or Shakespeare wrote about, with flowery language and hyperbole and iambic pentameter.

It was still and deep, like water that you might mistake for shallow if you just watched the surface. It was entirely his, not dependent on her own feelings for him, and it would still be there whether she, or him, or everyone else on the world disappeared.

It was a subtle kind of love, but it was true.

And she loved him just the same.

- Jake Christie

Musing No. 6

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go… She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

- Earnest Holmes

It's time. Breathe…and let go.

Musing No. 5

I've carried some child-like ideals into my adult life and for the most part they have served to keep me optimistic and a touch unencumbered. With the passage of time, some of these ideals and notions have proved true while others have inevitably withered away under the harsh sobriety of growth and evolution. Recently, one of my more cherished ideals was placed in the spotlight.

I'm not sure whether its because I've always loved Christmas or whether the consistent messages floating around were to blame, but I always believed that being in a relationship would be like getting a really large stack of presents at Christmas! The day would come round and I’d get this magnificent heap of beautifully wrapped gifts and as I opened each exquisitely wrapped box, the presents inside would get better and better. By the time I would be done opening them all, I would sit back, utterly happy and content with so much to keep me amused for days on end: and then my birthday would roll round and I'd get more boxes of gifts...a never ending cycle of joy and delight perfectly presented to me.

So now I had the relationship, bring on the joy and bliss please! I want my box of presents!

Well, it turns out that a relationship is indeed like a box. 

The only difference between this box and my fanciful imaginings is that when you unwrap this one...you find nothing inside!

Terribly disappointing, isn't it? But let me finish. 

I’m not saying that a relationship is an empty shell, or a misrepresented gift. What I’m saying is that when you "open up" a relationship it's not full of companionship, friendship, love, joy or intimacy or any of those other things we see in other people’s relationships and admire for ourselves. Far from it!

What you start off with is an empty box (it may look pretty on the outside but inside it's bare) and you have to put in things first before you can start taking stuff out. 

There is no companionship, romance, intimacy, love or joy in a relationship; it’s in people! The people who are in the relationship. And its these people must put all these good "presents" into the relationship box.

It would be so much easier if relationships came packed and fully loaded with all the things you would both ever need but we all know better than to believe that it will. 

And with that realization another childhood fancy passes and I now realize that it's better to just bite the bullet. If you don't and get into it expecting a perfect-relationship-in-a-box and then all you see is this empty space, it can be downright shocking!

And what's more, I do know for sure that:

1. If you want a quality gift out of this box, you are going to have to cough up some quality goods to put in it: don’t expect to put a two-cent present in and pull out a priceless gem a.k.a don’t expect to give your significant other the bare minimum and then when you need something out of the relationship to get the very best. 

2. And there’s simple math involved as well! If you take out more than you put in, you will have nothing left but a sore heart and a bear hand. Don’t be just the taker, you have to be willing to be a giver too.

The Beatles are not my thing but I believe they really were onto something when they said, “And in the end, the love you get is equal to the love you make”...

If you do not take the time or make the effort to put the ingredients of a good relationship into the box, please don’t be surprised when you get a raggedy, knock-off version out of the box.

3. Lastly, I've come to believe that the principle applies to all our interpersonal relationships...

Ultimately, how happy you both are will depend on whether you see the empty box as potential to create the best possible relationship-box or whether you keep on thinking you were short changed and someone other than yourself owes you that gift.