Musing No. 12

Being vulnerable is hard. Because it means being our truest selves in a time where we carefully curate people's perceptions of us. And because being vulnerable comes with the innate risk that we may be rejected, and many of us are naturally risk averse. 

But what we need to remember is that vulnerability is actually a strength. It is the key to deeper connections with family, friends and partners. Your people are the folks who know that you snort when you laugh and still find it adorable. It's those people that you have had the courage to share your deepest fears, highest ambitions, craziest dreams and darkest secrets and who have reciprocated your vulnerability with a show of theirs as well. 

Yes, it can be scary as heck, especially if you've been burnt or disappointed before, but who hasn't been hurt? We're hurt all the time! It's so easy to become cynical and let these past experiences deter you. But it doesn't have to be that way, and it's only recently that this dawned on me.

It's been several years since I've even toyed with the notion that I could feel for someone the way I felt once before. So that exciting, slightly frightening, if not nauseating joy you get when you're speaking, looking, thinking or talking about someone you have a connection with was like a bolt through my system. I'd dated a couple of guys in the time since but none brought that deep sense of comfort or inspired a need for vulnerability. In full honesty I had become somewhat jaded and pessimistic. Something that's not difficult when an increasing number of men are either quoting Nyakundi (even before I knew who he was) or walking around also weary and investing very little in relationships...but that's a post for another time.

So abandoning caution I opened up that part of myself that was so out of practise. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. And it felt so good. (I suspect this is how The Grinch must have felt when he finally let the spirit of Christmas in, hahaha!)

It was like crisp, fresh air when you've been inside for too long, or a drink of water on a scorching day. Not to be overly dramatic but it did feel like my very soul and spirit were rejuvenated. It was a coming-to-life although I had had no idea the extent to which some parts of myself had withered.

And that's the thing about spending your days being guarded and keeping your vulnerabilities under check. You do it so well that you begin to accept that how you feel and interact with others is the modus operandi.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness. Brené Brown*

 And for a few weeks it was bliss,and I thrived in the contentment and happiness that this new connection was allowing me to experience.

But as suddenly as it began, it ended and I found myself in a predicament.

This painfully brief connection could either serve to reinforce my fears on vulnerabilities, and my paralyzing belief that a deep connection truly was a once-in-a-lifetime possibility. Or I could use it as an opportunity to learn and in doing so be glad of it in some way. 

I chose the latter, because even though there was no happy ending, allowing myself to be vulnerable has left me with a sense of strength and conviction about some things:

That you can indeed love briefly but deeply. A realisation that you can have someone in your life for years and not truly know them, and meet someone new and in a few brief weeks know them more keenly. It's not the duration of acquaintance but the depth of conversation you have with someone that really matters.

That sometimes you have to be selfish. To chose your own happiness over what logic or others would dictate. Life is short, and we're not getting out of it alive! You have to seize the moments of joy where and when you find them,and know that you deserve them. Screw the rest!

I have also learnt that I like my hand to be held. Not in a tight hold but in a gentle grasp that feels both fleeting yet intentional. That this one small act with the right person can still make my stomach flip.

I have learnt that while I have become acutely aware of the steady passage of time, I can still find novelty, and excitement. It's not a reserve of teenagers. That conversations until 2am on a weekday are still possible. That people still pick up the phone and call, and that the sound of someone's voice will win over text messages every single time.

And lastly, I have learnt that you can still know what the right thing to do is but still face great temptation to ignore it. That was an important realisation, and perhaps explains why so many good people can make bad choices. I'm still working through this lesson because it can sometimes conflict with the need to do what brings you joy.

Like I said, I know it's difficult to let yourself be vulnerable, but remember there is courage in trusting others to see all of you, in allowing yourself to fall in love, and even in trying out a new career, in spite of the fear of rejection and judgement. 

Sometimes you'll end up getting smacked in the face for it, but other times it'll lead you where you need to go, and to the people you were meant to meet. You never know. And that's why even though this story didn't have a happy ending, I'm determined to have the courage to show all of me in future. 

So I encourage you to live your life with more vulnerability! Love recklessly and often, have the courage to do what you want to do, and be who you are with no fear.

*And now all of Brené Brown's books have been added to my 2018 TBR list hahaha.

Musing No. 11

In my head I have written dozens of posts, all of them funny and relatable. All of them garnering rave reviews. But in reality I last posted on Musings in 2014. It's a lot like that with many things in life. In your mind, the scenario plays out one way but in the real world it's a lot different.

You went out for dinner or drinks with the really attractive guy, or that really lovely gentleman. In your head it's a match and weddings are perfect in December; in reality he never calls.

You signed up for Tinder and wrote the most engaging Bio you could, uploaded a well-curated number of photos, matching with several guys who are bound to be interesting. In real life, they are incapable of decent conversation and emojis have become substitutes for sentences. You begin to suffer muscle spasms (that you fear may be carpal tunnel) from swiping left so fast and so many times.

You bought that really lovely yellow dress because you read that yellow is the new black; in reality you look like a dandelion and are living up to the stereotype of people from a certain part of the country.

The good thing is that reality does eventually catch up and when you open your eyes to see things as they are, it's not too bad. The yellow dress only looked so distressing because you wore the wrong shoes; the tinder matches were so disappointing because you signed up with the wrong expectations; the guys who didn't call, well, those are just jerks and no amount of introspection is going to give you any amount of insight.

You learn and you grow...

You learn and grow with every single one of these awakening, and that is something that you can always be thankful for.

P.S. I'm going to post this as it is. I'm not going to give in to the temptation to save it as draft to add more to it later. Because that's how I end up with dozens of unpublished posts and a cobweb-ridden blog hahaha! Perfection is the enemy of progress.

Musing No. 10

"How far have you walked for men who've never held your feet in their laps?

How are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?

How often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?

Why do you find the unavailable so alluring?

Where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?

If they wanted you, wouldn't they have chosen you?

All this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn't hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?

And what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?

How are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?

Where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?

Where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?

— Warsan Shire

Musing No. 9

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND, AND WIFE, AND WIFE, AND WIFE….

“One wife, you're happy, two and you're tired, three and they'll hate each other, four and they'll hate you.” ― Patrick Rothfuss

Dear Reader,

Allow me to be an angry African woman for a moment. I do not actively seek to validate stereotypes but humor me this one time as I feel justified.

I live in Kenya, a country that promises me that the African dream will not remain an ideal; we are working towards its realization. I live in a country that has the Vision 2030. A country that successfully discarded a colonial constitution because it no longer serves our greater purpose and instead ratifies a new constitution – because the former stood in the way of our progress

And now I live in a country that has successfully repealed and passed the Marriage Bill 2014.

Now here’s where I get angry.

I now live in a country where it is legal for my husband to have “something on the side” or mpango wa kando as we locally call it; what else would you call it when he is free to marry as many women as he may want in a traditional ceremony. In a country that gives polygamous marriages the same legal status as any monogamous marriage.

Surely, you ask, there must be a rational basis for such a law to be passed: A solid justification for the 81% male-dominated National Assembly to not just table the bill but to repeal and to finally pass it?

Well, these “Real African Men” stand on the platform of tradition and religion. A solid basis, no doubt, because after all, where would we be without our ancestral backgrounds and our faith?

Then I ask if it is tradition that they sought to legally empower, why is it that in the same breathe they declare polygamy a major part of our traditional society? Would they also declare that the tradition of presenting dowry to the bride’s family is to be scrapped?

What of religion then? Islam clearly sanctions it (and even before this bill, Muslim men were allowed to have up to 4 wives) and according to the Members of Parliament, even Christianity sanctions it – an argument that would be compelling in a country with an 82.5% Christian population.

But alas, even the Christian religious leaders themselves spoke out against the bill, calling it a cowardly move that would mark a step backwards for our country and that showed no respect to women or the institution of marriage itself. These Christian leaders include Archbishop Timothy Ndambuki of the National Councils of Churches of Kenya and Bishop David Oginde.

Our stoic leaders, however, were not to be fazed! They were indeed united in purpose: this bill was their ticket to Utopia and nothing would jeopardize it! They quoted the Bible, stating that King David and Solomon had many wives and needed no one’s consent. The angry African woman in me responds - News flash! You are not King Solomon or King David and 2014 cannot be compared with the times in the Old Testament. Those were the days but these are the times.

But in spite of all that, here we are…

In a country where my political leaders and decision makers do not think that I, as a lawfully wedded wife, should even be informed that my husband is taking on wife number two, or three, or…you get the picture. Kenya's Capital News website quotes one MP, a Mr. Junat of Suna West eloquently stating, “When you marry an African woman, she must know the second one is on the way, and a third wife… this is Africa,”

If this is not misogynistic and a classic case of male avoidance, I just don’t know what is!

Is it so wrong to say that if a man believes he is capable of sustaining more than one wife that he should at least have the cahoonas to discuss it with his wife and family?

To categorically take the wife out of the equation not only undermines her right to give consent on how financial resources, of which she has legal entitlement, are utilized but it also has a more significant sociological-impact.

Let us assume that the man is capable of economically supporting his growing number of wives and resultant children, he will only manage to do so by spending a great deal of his time engaged in his work. For a typical family, the struggle for a work–life balance is already present, so for a larger polygamous family it is easy to see that the children (and wives) will inevitably suffer from neglect. The man will simply be spread out too thin! This kind of paternal neglect typically spawns deprecating behavior in children who end up seeking validation and self-worth from other less savory sources. In addition, polygamous families typically have greater conflict – whether it’s between co-wives lobbying for a spot in their husband’s schedule or in trying to secure preferential favors or resources for their own children.

But ultimately, what message are we communicating to our sons and daughters? In such a family set up, you can easily see the gender messages being passed to the boys and girls. To the boys – amass and display power by acquiring many wives. To the girls – you are no more than chattels, to be collected and amassed.

To be fair, the men who amended this bill were not absolutely daft; they don’t call themselves politicians for nothing. They knew that they will have to campaign for re-election and that they will need the votes of the same women that they have crossed. As such, the new Act does address some issues that resonate with the greater fight women have been battling. The Act states that women are now entitled to 50% of the property acquired during marriage.

That generally, would have been a step in the right direction. However, in the face of the Act in its entirety, I consider these appeasements to be nothing more than the metaphorical dozen long stem roses, the day after he forgets your anniversary.

I don’t want to live in a country where Prince Charming marries both Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty!

Is this really part of our greater vision for Kenya?

Yours’,
An Angry, and now Jaded, African woman

This article was also published on African Hadithi.

Musing No.8

Olivia: I don't want normal, and easy, and simple. I want..

Edison: What? What do you want, Olivia?

Olivia: I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love. Don't you want that, too? 

Edison: Love is not supposed to be painful or devastating. Love isn't supposed to hurt, Liv

 I wrote my first musing close to 9 months ago. As conflicted as I felt at the time I still wrote from a place of hope. I may have managed to deceive myself that I had two choices and I could make either but it’s now pretty obvious that I always was going wade in deeper “into the murky thing that may be love”.

Well, I’m here to report that sometimes the murky stuff is just plain old mud – no romanticizing it! That sometimes obstacles in the way may mean stop and aren’t actually some epic challenges that your true love is meant to overcome. 

Sometimes when something is broken it’s meant to stay that way. But we’ve become a generation of “Fixers”; adept at CPR, at the resuscitation of something that would be best left cold & dead in a ditch.

What I’ve learnt is that sometimes a relationship is rocky because it’s unstable, not safe and not meant to work. But every time you blow air into it attempting to breathe some life to it, you aren’t fixing it. You are just dragging it out; delaying the inevitable. 

I’ve only awakened to the fact that we’ve become these fix-it junkies and our support systems, our friends have become well-meaning enablers. We spend our time reading endless blog posts and magazine articles, on “how to make him a better communicator”, “how to improve the trust in your relationship”, “10 easy steps to a happier relationship”. 

We just want to fix, fix, fix! It’s DIY gone wild.

We need to STOP.

We’re sending each other the wrong messages. Maybe the reason that the trust is missing in the relationship isn’t because you haven’t found the right Cosmo article. Maybe it’s because something’s happened that’s broken that trust. Maybe your intuition is picking up on the signs that you can’t see clearly. 

The more energy you use to fix what’s meant to be broken is energy you’re taking away from bringing more positive and enriching people and experience into your life. Its time you’re taking from yourself and depositing it into something that wouldn’t have the payoff you hope it will.

And you know what, I no longer buy into that BS that love hurts or love is hard or love has to be difficult and devastating in order for it to be life changing and extraordinary. I’m backing up Edison on this one (ref. the video link above).

So many other things in this brief and beautiful life are going to hurt; loss is going to hurt, rejection is going to hurt, failure is going to hurt. The one thing that’s not supposed to hurt is love.

We need to modify what we believe a relationship should be like and appreciate that healthy, happy relationships don't feel like work at all. 

They simply work.