Musing No. 9

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND, AND WIFE, AND WIFE, AND WIFE….

“One wife, you're happy, two and you're tired, three and they'll hate each other, four and they'll hate you.” ― Patrick Rothfuss

Dear Reader,

Allow me to be an angry African woman for a moment. I do not actively seek to validate stereotypes but humor me this one time as I feel justified.

I live in Kenya, a country that promises me that the African dream will not remain an ideal; we are working towards its realization. I live in a country that has the Vision 2030. A country that successfully discarded a colonial constitution because it no longer serves our greater purpose and instead ratifies a new constitution – because the former stood in the way of our progress

And now I live in a country that has successfully repealed and passed the Marriage Bill 2014.

Now here’s where I get angry.

I now live in a country where it is legal for my husband to have “something on the side” or mpango wa kando as we locally call it; what else would you call it when he is free to marry as many women as he may want in a traditional ceremony. In a country that gives polygamous marriages the same legal status as any monogamous marriage.

Surely, you ask, there must be a rational basis for such a law to be passed: A solid justification for the 81% male-dominated National Assembly to not just table the bill but to repeal and to finally pass it?

Well, these “Real African Men” stand on the platform of tradition and religion. A solid basis, no doubt, because after all, where would we be without our ancestral backgrounds and our faith?

Then I ask if it is tradition that they sought to legally empower, why is it that in the same breathe they declare polygamy a major part of our traditional society? Would they also declare that the tradition of presenting dowry to the bride’s family is to be scrapped?

What of religion then? Islam clearly sanctions it (and even before this bill, Muslim men were allowed to have up to 4 wives) and according to the Members of Parliament, even Christianity sanctions it – an argument that would be compelling in a country with an 82.5% Christian population.

But alas, even the Christian religious leaders themselves spoke out against the bill, calling it a cowardly move that would mark a step backwards for our country and that showed no respect to women or the institution of marriage itself. These Christian leaders include Archbishop Timothy Ndambuki of the National Councils of Churches of Kenya and Bishop David Oginde.

Our stoic leaders, however, were not to be fazed! They were indeed united in purpose: this bill was their ticket to Utopia and nothing would jeopardize it! They quoted the Bible, stating that King David and Solomon had many wives and needed no one’s consent. The angry African woman in me responds - News flash! You are not King Solomon or King David and 2014 cannot be compared with the times in the Old Testament. Those were the days but these are the times.

But in spite of all that, here we are…

In a country where my political leaders and decision makers do not think that I, as a lawfully wedded wife, should even be informed that my husband is taking on wife number two, or three, or…you get the picture. Kenya's Capital News website quotes one MP, a Mr. Junat of Suna West eloquently stating, “When you marry an African woman, she must know the second one is on the way, and a third wife… this is Africa,”

If this is not misogynistic and a classic case of male avoidance, I just don’t know what is!

Is it so wrong to say that if a man believes he is capable of sustaining more than one wife that he should at least have the cahoonas to discuss it with his wife and family?

To categorically take the wife out of the equation not only undermines her right to give consent on how financial resources, of which she has legal entitlement, are utilized but it also has a more significant sociological-impact.

Let us assume that the man is capable of economically supporting his growing number of wives and resultant children, he will only manage to do so by spending a great deal of his time engaged in his work. For a typical family, the struggle for a work–life balance is already present, so for a larger polygamous family it is easy to see that the children (and wives) will inevitably suffer from neglect. The man will simply be spread out too thin! This kind of paternal neglect typically spawns deprecating behavior in children who end up seeking validation and self-worth from other less savory sources. In addition, polygamous families typically have greater conflict – whether it’s between co-wives lobbying for a spot in their husband’s schedule or in trying to secure preferential favors or resources for their own children.

But ultimately, what message are we communicating to our sons and daughters? In such a family set up, you can easily see the gender messages being passed to the boys and girls. To the boys – amass and display power by acquiring many wives. To the girls – you are no more than chattels, to be collected and amassed.

To be fair, the men who amended this bill were not absolutely daft; they don’t call themselves politicians for nothing. They knew that they will have to campaign for re-election and that they will need the votes of the same women that they have crossed. As such, the new Act does address some issues that resonate with the greater fight women have been battling. The Act states that women are now entitled to 50% of the property acquired during marriage.

That generally, would have been a step in the right direction. However, in the face of the Act in its entirety, I consider these appeasements to be nothing more than the metaphorical dozen long stem roses, the day after he forgets your anniversary.

I don’t want to live in a country where Prince Charming marries both Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty!

Is this really part of our greater vision for Kenya?

Yours’,
An Angry, and now Jaded, African woman

This article was also published on African Hadithi.

Musing No.8

Olivia: I don't want normal, and easy, and simple. I want..

Edison: What? What do you want, Olivia?

Olivia: I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love. Don't you want that, too? 

Edison: Love is not supposed to be painful or devastating. Love isn't supposed to hurt, Liv

 I wrote my first musing close to 9 months ago. As conflicted as I felt at the time I still wrote from a place of hope. I may have managed to deceive myself that I had two choices and I could make either but it’s now pretty obvious that I always was going wade in deeper “into the murky thing that may be love”.

Well, I’m here to report that sometimes the murky stuff is just plain old mud – no romanticizing it! That sometimes obstacles in the way may mean stop and aren’t actually some epic challenges that your true love is meant to overcome. 

Sometimes when something is broken it’s meant to stay that way. But we’ve become a generation of “Fixers”; adept at CPR, at the resuscitation of something that would be best left cold & dead in a ditch.

What I’ve learnt is that sometimes a relationship is rocky because it’s unstable, not safe and not meant to work. But every time you blow air into it attempting to breathe some life to it, you aren’t fixing it. You are just dragging it out; delaying the inevitable. 

I’ve only awakened to the fact that we’ve become these fix-it junkies and our support systems, our friends have become well-meaning enablers. We spend our time reading endless blog posts and magazine articles, on “how to make him a better communicator”, “how to improve the trust in your relationship”, “10 easy steps to a happier relationship”. 

We just want to fix, fix, fix! It’s DIY gone wild.

We need to STOP.

We’re sending each other the wrong messages. Maybe the reason that the trust is missing in the relationship isn’t because you haven’t found the right Cosmo article. Maybe it’s because something’s happened that’s broken that trust. Maybe your intuition is picking up on the signs that you can’t see clearly. 

The more energy you use to fix what’s meant to be broken is energy you’re taking away from bringing more positive and enriching people and experience into your life. Its time you’re taking from yourself and depositing it into something that wouldn’t have the payoff you hope it will.

And you know what, I no longer buy into that BS that love hurts or love is hard or love has to be difficult and devastating in order for it to be life changing and extraordinary. I’m backing up Edison on this one (ref. the video link above).

So many other things in this brief and beautiful life are going to hurt; loss is going to hurt, rejection is going to hurt, failure is going to hurt. The one thing that’s not supposed to hurt is love.

We need to modify what we believe a relationship should be like and appreciate that healthy, happy relationships don't feel like work at all. 

They simply work.

Musing No. 7

He loved her in a distant kind of way, the same way the sun heats the Earth.

If she were to disappear completely, he knew through pure logic that it would have no great, disastrous effect on him.

He would not cease to be; he would not stop breathing; his heart would not stop beating; the world would not stop spinning.

The sun would keep shining, radiating heat, if the Earth were not there.

On a certain, purely physical level, her absence would have absolutely zero effect on his person.

And yet...

He loved her in an abstract kind of way, the way a bee loves honey.

He wasn't sure why he wanted to love her, but he wanted to love her just the same. Maybe somebody told him once that he should be in love with somebody, so he felt a need to pick somebody and it just so happened to be her.

Maybe. Being in love was nice, sure, but he didn't need to be.

And yet...

He loved her in a removed kind of way, the way a butterfly's wings can start a tsunami halfway around the world.

He knew that it had an effect on her, but he wasn't sure how great.

On a certain level he was aware that if he were to stop, if he were to disappear, it would have a drastic effect.

For him it would be one less flap of his wings, in a manner of speaking, if such a thing were possible without him falling from the sky.

And yet...

He loved her in a subtle kind of way.

It wasn't the kind of love you see in movies, with swelling music and giant gestures and running through the streets to catch a departing train.

It wasn't the kind of love that Byron or Shakespeare wrote about, with flowery language and hyperbole and iambic pentameter.

It was still and deep, like water that you might mistake for shallow if you just watched the surface. It was entirely his, not dependent on her own feelings for him, and it would still be there whether she, or him, or everyone else on the world disappeared.

It was a subtle kind of love, but it was true.

And she loved him just the same.

- Jake Christie

Musing No. 6

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go… She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

- Earnest Holmes

It's time. Breathe…and let go.

Musing No. 5

I've carried some child-like ideals into my adult life and for the most part they have served to keep me optimistic and a touch unencumbered. With the passage of time, some of these ideals and notions have proved true while others have inevitably withered away under the harsh sobriety of growth and evolution. Recently, one of my more cherished ideals was placed in the spotlight.

I'm not sure whether its because I've always loved Christmas or whether the consistent messages floating around were to blame, but I always believed that being in a relationship would be like getting a really large stack of presents at Christmas! The day would come round and I’d get this magnificent heap of beautifully wrapped gifts and as I opened each exquisitely wrapped box, the presents inside would get better and better. By the time I would be done opening them all, I would sit back, utterly happy and content with so much to keep me amused for days on end: and then my birthday would roll round and I'd get more boxes of gifts...a never ending cycle of joy and delight perfectly presented to me.

So now I had the relationship, bring on the joy and bliss please! I want my box of presents!

Well, it turns out that a relationship is indeed like a box. 

The only difference between this box and my fanciful imaginings is that when you unwrap this one...you find nothing inside!

Terribly disappointing, isn't it? But let me finish. 

I’m not saying that a relationship is an empty shell, or a misrepresented gift. What I’m saying is that when you "open up" a relationship it's not full of companionship, friendship, love, joy or intimacy or any of those other things we see in other people’s relationships and admire for ourselves. Far from it!

What you start off with is an empty box (it may look pretty on the outside but inside it's bare) and you have to put in things first before you can start taking stuff out. 

There is no companionship, romance, intimacy, love or joy in a relationship; it’s in people! The people who are in the relationship. And its these people must put all these good "presents" into the relationship box.

It would be so much easier if relationships came packed and fully loaded with all the things you would both ever need but we all know better than to believe that it will. 

And with that realization another childhood fancy passes and I now realize that it's better to just bite the bullet. If you don't and get into it expecting a perfect-relationship-in-a-box and then all you see is this empty space, it can be downright shocking!

And what's more, I do know for sure that:

1. If you want a quality gift out of this box, you are going to have to cough up some quality goods to put in it: don’t expect to put a two-cent present in and pull out a priceless gem a.k.a don’t expect to give your significant other the bare minimum and then when you need something out of the relationship to get the very best. 

2. And there’s simple math involved as well! If you take out more than you put in, you will have nothing left but a sore heart and a bear hand. Don’t be just the taker, you have to be willing to be a giver too.

The Beatles are not my thing but I believe they really were onto something when they said, “And in the end, the love you get is equal to the love you make”...

If you do not take the time or make the effort to put the ingredients of a good relationship into the box, please don’t be surprised when you get a raggedy, knock-off version out of the box.

3. Lastly, I've come to believe that the principle applies to all our interpersonal relationships...

Ultimately, how happy you both are will depend on whether you see the empty box as potential to create the best possible relationship-box or whether you keep on thinking you were short changed and someone other than yourself owes you that gift.